Feelings and Fights: a 10-question quiz, explained

Short answer: The ten "Feelings and fights" questions (Q21 to Q30) reward staying calm and letting things go. They show how you react when you are annoyed, embarrassed or disappointed. They do not show how much you care about people, and some of the most settled answers simply mean not caring.

I'm Muhammad Husnain Zahid. The quiz above is only this one category, so it takes about a minute. The rest of this page explains how these ten questions are built, what each one rewards, and where I think they are unfair. Every question is also on the full question list, and the wider topic is in Signs of Emotional Maturity.

How the ten questions were built

Each question has four options, ordered from the most dramatic reaction to the most composed one. When I set the points, I thought about the people around me: how a child reacts, how I react, and how older people react. A child tends to be loud and quick. An older person often lets things pass. I placed the four options along that line and gave each a number that felt right.

That means the numbers are my judgement. They were not measured in a study, and nobody has validated them.

How this category is scored

The first option on each question is worth 11 to 16 points and the last option 52 to 60. If you picked the first option on all ten, your average would be about 14. The last option every time gives about 56. Picking at random gives about 33.

The four option positions average about 14, 24, 37 and 56 across the category. The last step is the biggest: from the third option to the fourth is 18 to 22 points on every question, while the first step is smaller. So this category pays the most for the calmest answer.

Question by question

Here is what each question rewards, with the real points. The numbers in brackets are the points for that option.

• Q21, a queue jumper. Loudly announcing the injustice is 14. Fuming quietly and telling everyone later is 24. A calm word and letting it go is 37. Not noticing or minding at all is 55.
• Q22, a real disagreement with a friend. Going quiet and hoping it blows over is 16, needing to be right is 25, saying your piece and listening to theirs is 38, and having learned which hills are worth it is 60. That 60 is the highest option in the category.
• Q23, a plan falls through. "The worst thing that has ever happened" is 11, the lowest first option here. A short sulk is 23, a backup plan is 34, and shrugging because plans always change is 52.
• Q24, feedback you did not ask for. Deciding they don't like you is 15 and getting defensive first is 26. Saying thanks and thinking about it later is 39, and asking a follow-up question out of real curiosity is 57.
• Q25, being wrong in front of people. "This cannot be happening" is 13, arguing a little too long is 24, "fair, you're right" is 36, and "I've been wrong before, it's rarely the big deal it feels like" is 58.
• Q26, a friend cancels at the last minute. Calling it betrayal is 13, being annoyed and saying so is 23, mild disappointment is 36, and "no worries, I probably needed the night in anyway" is 55.
• Q27, waiting for a reply. Checking every thirty seconds is 14, checking a lot and hating it is 24, checking now and then is 37, and having made peace with waiting is 56.
• Q28, someone raises their voice unfairly. Raising yours back is 15, going quiet and replaying it for days is 25, staying calm and saying it wasn't fair is 38, and letting it go is 57.
• Q29, apologising first when you are not sure you are wrong. "Absolutely not, on principle" is 14, only if cornered is 24, usually if it keeps the peace is 37, and doing it easily because being right matters less than being kind is 58.
• Q30, something embarrassing in public. "The end of my life as I know it" is 12, replaying it for a week is 23, a good story by tomorrow is 36, and "already forgotten, honestly" is 55.

What the top options have in common

If you read only the fourth option of each question, two kinds of answer appear. Six of them are about letting go: not minding the queue jumper (Q21), shrugging at a cancelled plan (Q23), "no worries" to a friend (Q26), making peace with waiting (Q27), letting an unfair shout go (Q28) and forgetting an embarrassing moment (Q30). Together they average 55 points.

The other four describe an active choice: learning which hills are worth it (Q22), asking a follow-up question about feedback (Q24), accepting being wrong without drama (Q25) and apologising first because kindness matters more than being right (Q29). They average 58 points, a little higher.

So the quiz does pay a bit more for doing something than for feeling nothing. The gap is only three points, though, and the letting-go answers still make up most of the top options.

The third option is nearly flat

The third option on all ten questions sits between 34 and 39 points. That means a run of third options lands you near 37 whichever question they come from. In practice this is the "reasonable adult" answer: say something calm, think about it later, keep the peace. If your result sits in the middle of this category, it probably means you chose it a lot.

The same behaviour can score differently

In Q22 the first option is going quiet and hoping it blows over, worth 16. In Q28 the second option is going quiet and replaying it for days, worth 25. Both are a kind of silence. The quiz places the first at the dramatic end and the second a step up, because of what follows the silence in each story.

I think that is defensible, but it shows how much of the scoring comes down to how I described each reaction. A person who goes quiet because they are calm, and a person who goes quiet because they are hurt, look the same from outside.

Where I think it is unfair

Not caring scores as maturity. The top option in Q21 is not minding at all (55). In Q30 it is already forgotten (55). In Q23 it is a shrug (52). Someone who has worked through a feeling and someone who simply does not feel much will both pick these, and the quiz cannot tell them apart.

Compare Q29, where the top option is doing it easily because being right matters less than being kind (58). That one describes a choice. I think the category would be stronger if every top option read like that.

It measures small, safe moments. Queue jumpers and cancelled plans are low stakes. How you behave when something truly painful happens is a different question, and ten multiple-choice items cannot answer it.

It rewards a settled style. A person who feels things loudly and recovers quickly can score low here while being kind and fair. The quiz reads loud as young.

How to read your category result

The number above is the average of your ten answers. Because the option positions average about 14, 24, 37 and 56, an average near 24 means mostly second options, near 37 mostly third, and above 50 mostly fourth.

• Under 25: your reactions are quick and visible. That can be honesty, and it can be stress.
• 25 to 45: a mix, which is where most people sit on most days.
• Above 45: composed, or detached. Open the list of your answers and check which ones pushed it up. If it was Q22, Q25 and Q29, that points to a skill. If it was Q21, Q23 and Q30, it may only mean small things don't bother you.

Why ten answers is a weak signal

This category is one tenth of the full test. Going from the first option to the fourth on all ten of these questions moves the full 100-question result by about four points. On its own, a ten-question average is also easy to move: a tired day or a recent argument can change several answers at once.

So treat the number above as a snapshot of one area on one day. If you want to see how it fits with everything else, take the full test and compare. I wrote about what moves a result in Can Your Mental Age Change? and about the quiz's known biases in Is the Mental Age Test Fair?

A way to use the short quiz

Because this version is quick, you can try it twice: once on a calm day and once when you are tired or have just had an argument. If the two results are far apart, the number says more about your mood than about your habits. If they stay close, you are probably looking at a steady pattern. Your answers are saved in your own browser only, so the second attempt will not show the first.

What this does not tell you

It is not a measure of emotional intelligence, kindness or mental health, and it has not been scientifically validated. It is for fun and self-reflection. If strong feelings are getting in the way of daily life, talking to someone you trust or a professional is a sensible step, and the help resources page lists free, confidential support.

To see how the whole number is built, read How a Mental Age Score Is Really Worked Out or the age guide. The other nine categories have their own pages too: Friday nights, Money and chores, Screens and slang, Body and habits, Outlook on life, Work and ambition, Style and appearance, Food and taste and Relationships and people.

Sources and further reading

• How the whole number is built: the age guide and How a Mental Age Score Is Really Worked Out.
• Every question and answer option: the full question list.

Frequently asked questions